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04:12pm 17/03/2006
nuyorican is love
brought to you by the isLove Generator
02:38pm 16/03/2006
mood: bouncy

Cant see it in your email go to:

Still on a slow ass connection:
email me for the text. or use an older invention call the telephone.

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1000 LGBTQ wanted to stand up and smile for change 3/4   
02:18pm 01/03/2006

Please forward to everyone you know and on the list serves!!!!!! We need a good turn out.

Sorry for this being short notice.

Hey everyone please come to my photo shoot bring anything you want as a
prop i also have a lot of materials. If anyone cant make this Saturday
call before Saturday and lets set up a private shoot - Copies of your
pictures will be $10-20 sliding scale- but no worries no one is turn
away- all ages all races- represent yourself- scared of taking a pic -
bring a partner or grab somebody there!!

Next Event:
March 4, 2006 1pm-5pm

Jaz Cruz Founder and President
718.908.9770 call 2 RSVP:

WOW Theater Café
~FREE Refreshments
59-61 East 4th St / Btwn 2nd Ave & Bowery
Where -6 train to Astor/R+W 8th street/F to 2nd Ave

Lesbian Charcoal

If we want respect and love and beauty among us and all our many
communities, we must actively and systematically promote it through
our art and through our teaching of others. Teaching, in this sense,
becomes a political act, a conscious effort to build a movement of
people prepared to facilitate and participate in social change. We
need the rest of the LGBTQ community!

Jaz Cruz Founder and President
718.908.9770 call 2 RSVP:

Be ready to REPRESENT!! CD's- will be on sale

I want 1000 people please come and stand up and smile for change
art- a letter to myself   
09:07pm 16/12/2005
  i wish i lived or had more friends that were about art. who live and breathe this shit. who see art in everything, who dont need tv, who use drugs to only open their eyes to beauty and not hide. i wish this. i wish. who make songs and beats on a whim.
my mother and i made a song at 2 am in the morning. it was cute. she was at a block and finished the rest of the lyrics. see we finished the damn thing. made it real and not half truth. one thing i missed about cali. swear to god i am moving there with my babies momma. whoever that shall be.
im trippin because i am applying to cooper. i need that space to let my mind roam. to let my head think outside of the box, problem solve. to create, things an not worry about who is going to move my art, space, money. ect. but i am a firm beleiver in moving from complaining and making this shit real.
i started by thinking about the space i live in arleady. its tight no doubt. mab people living her. we struggle with demons and money. however, that doesnt mean this cant be a place cant be a womb for art, writing and culture. if anything most art movements came from those who struggled the most.
so my first project is to make this house reflect art, and myself first and foremost our struggles come second. however this is should be progressive. make it welcoming to art, prgressive struggle, and who we are as queer young people of color.
who i am. who we are. who am i? who are we? we are i n i. children of our mothers rebirthed into this struggle a bag full of heritage and another parcle of clothes. we drift. call no place home, take no prisoners unless you are sure you want to. who are we? who am i? who i am and who we are. our skin baked by ra to perfection. my frothers and bisters. where is homebase. we fight for homebase. we fight to make that money, we fight to be sane. home. but there is a line, invisible, you feel it where ever you are. a string of tears that keeps us connected and together. i love ya'll for real. this is no fling. i've married the people. putting my trust and well being into the hands of god, the world. i have no choice. life is what it is and i dream my destiny. i love you. i mean it.
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Stop NO Snitches   
01:33pm 23/11/2005
  Today one of my students came to me with burns and cuts all up and down their arm. It hurt, them being a queer comrade made it difficult because these scars were representative of a boy who was scared to love him openly. I didn’t know what to do, we spoke about it, and I could have left it at that. But something was nagging me. It didn’t feel safe. I asked for some advice, and it wasn’t what I was seeking. I was going to be the one thing I hated when I was in school; A snitch.

We spoke a little bit a about it. Why were they cutting, how did it feel, why did they like the feeling, why was this triggered by this situation. I had to ease him on in. I had to tell him that he or I had to tell a professional, and that I didn’t want to be a snitch, nor did I want him to be mad at me. After 30 minutes of persuading he said that we can go. It was hard a lot of emotions. A thick layer of confusion and anger manifested into burns and cuts on his arm. Pain- the only way that he could understand it. I felt bad because I feel like I betrayed a trust to the system. But at the same time I didn’t have the tools to help him. I don’t know it was just stressful, and I absorbed a lot of his energy. So I have to do a cleansing tonight. I don’t know it just made me really sad for a beautiful kid like that to be cutting himself over some stupid boy that’s in the closet. He’s too good for that. I guess its just I know what it is like to cut. And I know why he told me. And I hope he appreciates me having him speak to someone in the long run.
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this is for peace and quiet   
12:12am 10/11/2005
  This is for the conflict between peace and quiet
For I do not come peacefully
You've made up my mind
I have seen this more than once
Something familiar
One step closer to my future
Touch me
It is inspiration at its greatest
I paint you in my passion
With out touching
But in loving the depths
For you give me more then the things we say

smile because i've made you quiet.
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08:39pm 06/11/2005
mood: blah
Tricky- "Overcome"

You sure you want to be with me?
I've nothing to give.
Won't lie and say this loving's best,
Leave us in emotional peace.
Mmm, take a walk take a rest, a taste of rest.
Don't wanna be on top of your list,
Monopoly and properly kissed.
We overcome in 60 seconds,
With the strength we have together.
But for now, emotional ties they stay severed.
And when there's trust, there'll be treats,
When we funk we'll hear beats,

You and her walking through the suburbs.
No, not exactly lovers.
You're a couple, especially when you're body's double.
Duplicate and then you wait
For the next Kuwait.
Jamacia Aroma, Karmacoma.

You sure you want to be with me?
I've nothing to give.
Won't lie and say this loving's best,
Leave us in emotional peace.
Mmm, take a walk take a rest, a taste of rest.
Don't wanna be on top of your list,
Monopoly and properly kissed.
We overcome in 60 seconds,
With the strength we have together.
But for now, emotional ties they stay severed.
And when there's trust, there'll be treats,
When we funk we'll hear beats,
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05:23pm 06/11/2005
mood: crappy
The weekend

Travel an hour and a half to my home a box in the sky
Lounge and long for excitement that I could not have
The sky turns peach and I love it
The sky turns grey and I am alone
And I walk around in my box in the sky
Wondering what to do

Put on a mask
The latest fig leaf
Go out and get drunk
Feel love for minuets that I will never remember
Love that is sweated on the dance floor
Love at the bottom of my bought whiskey

Or I could stay home
Pamper myself and fantasize
Listen to music
Sad love songs start to make sense

I could be quiet
Reach deep into my soul
And suck out the poison from the week
Put good foods from the earth in my body

When there is no one to hold you
Hold me
I refuse to accept only being good enough to fuck
Only good enough to be a friend
Held at a distance

To be whole
To show someone my whole being
Unafraid of
The beauty and ugliness
PROTEST THE 10am Curfew + Christophor Street Blockade   
07:16pm 02/11/2005
  West Village


What if you weren't allowed to walk up Christopher St. after 1am?

everyone, check out the new resident proposal on the table to blockade the
entrance to Christopher St.
once the Pier closes at 1am. The proposal is looking to force LGBT youth to
walk up or down the West Side Highway (similar to corralling cattle) to 14th St. or to Houston St. to get
to the nearest train. This is because residents don’t want LGBT youth
walking through the residential area of the West Village
once the Pier closes.

Everyone has a right to use public space – not just people who have
enough money to afford rent or property in the West Village.
Come protest with FIERCE on Monday,
Nov 7th.
Help us offer up solutions to tensions between residents and LGBT
youth that don’t rely on kicking youth out of the West Village
entirely. The more people we have with us, the more successful we’ll be
at stopping this awful proposal.








the info below and please share the attached flyer with folks who care about
this issue.

Please call or email me if you plan to attend so we know how many people to expect
(and how much food to order). Feel free to call with any questions.

Hope to see you Monday!

(if you can’t make it to FIERCE but wanna
meet us there, call us at FIERCE for directions)

FIERCE! Is located:



QUESTIONS? 646.336.6789 X103


is a transgender and queer youth (ages 13-24) of color organizing project.



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Emergency Declared After Anti-Nazi Riots   
01:13pm 16/10/2005
mood: annoyed
Staff and agencies
15 October, 2005

By JOHN SEEWER, 17 minutes ago

TOLEDO, Ohio - A crowd protesting a white supremacists‘ march Saturday turned violent, throwing baseball-sized rocks at police, vandalizing vehicles and stores, and setting fire to a neighborhood bar, authorities said.

At least 65 people were arrested and several police officers were injured before calm was restored about four hours later.

"It‘s exactly what they wanted," Ford said of the group that planned the march, which was canceled because of the rioting.

The violence broke out about one-quarter of a mile away along the planned march route shortly before it was to begin. One group of men pounded on a convenience store, and others overturned vehicles. There was a report of a shooting but police hadn‘t found a victim, Police Chief Mike Navarre said.

Finally, police marched shoulder-to-shoulder down the street shouting to people to stay inside, and the crowd of several hundred broke up.

"We frankly could have made a couple hundred arrests easily," Navarre said. "We just didn‘t have the resources on hand to arrest all of them."

When the rioting began, Ford tried to negotiate with those involved, but "they weren‘t interested in that." He said people in the crowd swore at him and wanted to know why he was protecting the Nazis.

"I was chagrined that there were obvious mothers and children in the crowd with them," he said.

"A whole big gang started to come in here. Next thing you know, they‘re jumping on the car. Then they overturned it. Then they started on the building, breaking windows, ripping the bars off," he said.

"I was shaking. I feared for my life." Rybczynski said.

Keith White, a black resident, criticized city officials for allowing the march in the first place.

"They let them come here and expect this not to happen?" said White, 29.

A spokesman for the National Socialist Movement blamed police for losing control of the situation.
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Staring @ sweet & low   
01:07pm 16/10/2005
  (back entry from a month ago)

There is this fear/ that I might be wrong/

There are young college boys yelling down the street/ there is a trust fund agent orange infront of me eating cheese cake/ and there are people rotting in the streets/ there are friends and family wondering WHERE IS MYA/ there police on chistophor beating up drug dealers and not looking for her/ there are women click clacking their way to the disco/ women click clacking there gum on glossy lips waiting for a john.

And all I can think - is – kiss me quick before god comes.

01:05pm 16/10/2005
mood: anxious
She said she feels things that someone once said they felt for her for someone else.

I secretly wanted her to feel those things that someone once told her they felt for her for me.

No cigarette, drink, love, sex could fill that void.

It feels desperate.

I could fake that I am not.

She’s got me at mix signals.
She had me. I mean she has me.

Then I think about when one plus one equaled zero.

Shocked equals delirium of frantic words and feelings in flight in this midnight morning.

Should I turn my cheek?

Look at someone as she looks at me?

In hopes that...

Is that endearing?
The difference between A and ER   
10:48am 04/10/2005
  (rant and unfinished thoughts)

To my Latina sisters
L walking away from A
African closer to N far from African
walking closer and closer to W White.

To my White Latina sisters who say “What’s up my Nigga?”, “Yo fuck you Nigga!”, “Nigga please!” then one day the ER mistakenly slips past her lips around confidants of the same flesh tone. Maybe talking about her colleague or last fuck- a friend.

To my White Latina sisters who fuck black men. Fetish-ize black cock. Gold hoop earrings to catch your man. Talk in Ebonics tongues because you are down. To prove you are down. Wake up!

To my White Latina sisters who do not see the true beauty in our skin color and struggle. But just a 30 year trend of mixed babies and hip hop music. Who ONLY fuck black men but never get in a relationship. Then let nigger slip past your lips. Sisters who do not believe they are half nigger too. Fuck you.

To my sisters who are ignorant enough to think that racial jokes are just jokes. All fun and games and not devices to keep us from loving each other.

How do you keep a black man to sit up in his sleep?
Put Velcro on the ceiling.”

One sister asked, “How do you pick the cotton from under your nails?”

Sisters who straighten their hair religiously – lighten their skin, to go get a fake tan. Who say they are down with black people but still think white is beautiful. Who think Black is a trend.

You who feed off our struggle. You who love our men. You who is always secretly in competition with us in the work place. You who feels more superiors because your skin is light. You who can’t call me sister but sista. Our Ebonics tongue for I’m down. You who replaces an A with ER on sister but leave the ER on nigger.

Pop quiz: what is today’s date?
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12:28am 27/09/2005
mood: contemplative
So I've decided to go with the First Womyn of Color Delegation to Chiapas Mexico.
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vagina lips   
05:54pm 25/09/2005
mood: scared
I’ve walk the lips of her vagina.
Land that was once closed now part
Into oceans between us.
Men stay at the edge fishing for her babies.
I merely wanted to bask in her glory.

I miss her already.

I dived into her side.
Screaming “take me”
Take me away from the work you sent me here for.
Because I am starting to loose faith.
I dived into her side to find faith.
Something simple, to wrestle with death so that I may enjoy life.

Help me to enjoy life sister.
Enjoy it with me.
And let me bask in all of your glory.

As I walked along her lips
Death regenerated itself into life.
Food layed at her shore as offering.
Flies and a pungent smell were at her high tide.
Almost a barrier for those who might be faint of heart.
She warns you.

She gives me offering. Mine was not good enough.
And now lights are flickering.
When I need her most.

Protect me.
Sunday Ramble   
04:29am 04/09/2005
  I posted an ad. I received a few responses. Answered a few lovely ladies, yet something is holding me back other than my finances. A crush and I met at the Pier. I forgot why I loved the pier so much. So many black and brown queer young folks. While heavily flirting and whipping her into my magic, She responded the way I wanted her to. A few jealous girls lingered around us. my crush made it a point to tell me she was no longer seeing anyone. Made points to say she should stay single. She doesn’t want to do a relationship. I know that she just wants to give a disclaimer to her fears. We clicked, we were eye to eye. Caught up in each others spirit. It was like no one else was there. She’s good, but I am better. i was a bit ruthless with her time and attention. Then at the end I noticed this girl that was trying to speak with her. But every time I would come back she would ignore her. At the end I think I overheard her telling a friend that she liked the girl I was talking to. And I felt bad. I didn’t care in that moment. But afterward I felt really bad. I have a feeling that K will say some bullshit to her about me. I don’t like competition. I just wanted... to be with her for a bit. I enjoyed it. We ended up getting coffee. I saw my gay mother, made me happy, she yelled at me for not keeping in contact.

Is it wrong to want to drop off the face off the earth and to only surface for mating rituals. I mean animals and insects do it. That’s how I feel about this year. Maybe sex shouldn’t be on my agenda. Maybe I should be celibate for this year. I had a strange dream about my crush. I hope it is not my spirits getting in the way. Either way, I feel bad for the girl I kinda pushed to the side. I am happy I had a good night with my crush, yet don’t know if I should pursue any further.

Everyday I wish I was a man. Yet I am sure if I was a man I would wish I was a woman. And if I was neither I would be wishing for a gender. Always wishing for what I don’t have. Like it would make anything easier. Well if I was a man I feel a lot of things would be easier. People would listen a lot easier, fucking would be easier just shove it in some hole like most penises do, get a job easier, be conditioned in a way where i go get whatever I need in life, be respected as a provider. But the pussy pass just gets you material things and a big headache. Maybe I should work on accepting my sex. I love being female at times and others I don’t. but that wont change anytime soon so maybe I should put it on my “ta do list of shit to work on this year”.

I have been avoiding the news lately it angers me, and then I am angry with myself. If only I had more than 3 bucks in my pocket. I could maybe hitchhike to New Orleans. But then my job is starting in a bit, and also I don’t want to be murdered and some truck driver rapes my dead body. I am mad at myself for not having the resources to give or get there. I am mad that I should even have to worry about either of those issues. I looked online to see if there were any groups of people going down to help and I didn’t find anything. Maybe I will try craigslist later. I am mad because all these people are dead from a simple problem that could have been fixed if the money for the repair wasn’t put to war. To war. I am mad that I am still here unable to help. I am mad that I am writing about this because this is how we are taught to be silent and pacified.
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makes me love Kanye even more   
07:43pm 03/09/2005
08:36pm 01/09/2005
mood: indescribable
I like others in my generation have been divided into those that lack discipline and those who do not. While this society is not set up for people to learn such a skill, unless you are signing your life to the military, or family- how do i learn a much needed skill while being radical? While my parents way of disciplining was a reaction to the worry, concern, frustration or anger, I did not learn the love in my lessons, but through escaping.

While, the world goes on around me, I find myself seeping into deeper into darker territories. A place less described by things but by a feeling, a simple security that I have held onto for the life of me. In the past four years, I have found myself becoming colder. Events that numbed me, I felt nothing out of survival. While, in naive stages this seemed ideal, running away had always been my specialty. From my first love ever to the passing of my papa, I have become comfortable in numbing and running from pain.

In my head there is this little non human form that tells me to hold on. To what? control. This society, school, church, organizations, government, and work all tell you to constantly be in control. And that if you slip up a little, that somehow you are loosing control. This is where true torture finds home, in the contradictions and little boxes in which we are shoved into voluntarily or not.

I have had loved ones say things like “you are unstable”, “you have no structure”, “you have no focus”. In short, they are all talking about my lack of control on the situation in front of me. Whether they meant it to or not, it got deep under my skin, infecting my psyche with an endless journey. I searched for answers, advice, tools, something -SOMETHING, anything that would no longer make me this unstable, unstructured freak. Because, if I am not what people are looking for then how do I function in this society. People are constantly looking for a reflection of themselves. Torture. I am no ones mirror. I’ve morphed; I turned my volume up and down, true gender bent. And I missed the point of control. The point of control is to not react. And I was use to reacting, like a paddle to my lower back, to all situations in my life.

But before I can truly find focus, stability, structure, "control", I need to loose all false senses of control. The way only I see this happening is by giving in. Truly giving in and being fully present. A release.

I remember when I got my nipple pierced. A little drunk on sake, a handsome tribal tat artist clamped my nipple and shoved a 10 gauge through my flesh. Seing the blood i knew it would heal. A sharp pain, this cold piece of metal helped me feel some sort of pleasure in my breast. It took away some of the guilt because they were now tainted and scared. In the moment that needle touched my breast, I left my health and well being in the hands of this handsome tribal tat artist. It’s a start.

I had participated in a few light weight scenes; remember trying to bring this part of myself out with a partner. I tied her up, and she did not trust me. We had always lacked trust. However I tied up a complete stranger and spanked her a bit and she came like rain and from that I did too. Was it that our emotions were not attached so we were able to feel the excitement of that moment? We had nothing to hold on to while we were fucking. There was nothing but our roles that our bodies naturally reacted to. Just like the piercer had a role. So did this beautiful woman who was tied up and could not move. Her role was to wait. Mine was to pleasure her. We knew what we were supposed to do, this was our discipline.

The deeper I sink, the more I find my mind wondering to these images. I desire to no longer be a keeper of control. I feel that control has dampened my true self, into a neurotic and cold bitch. A free spirit that forgot how to fly, or is afraid to. The warmth is a façade and I am ready to break through. The façade is about control. And so my arms are crossed, my hips bent, my eyes closed, spine peaked and dipped. I am ready to be taken care of and punished because i am fucked up. I am ready to give in and to not know what will come next.
body yell exercise   
02:47am 30/08/2005
  My hands non-callused from the labor of land. Soft, as they were meant not to be.
The curve of my back perks (from a thought of you)
My elbow to my breast, palm to the thunder
Elbow to my ear, palm press air to the earth
Clap thunder.

Kiss the earth
My skin turns green in envy
I’m a snake on my belly
The tips of my fingers want to go back to the heaven
Toes lift my legs up
My back now crescent
I know you've missed this

On my knees
Push my hips towards the ocean
My head falls back to face the sun
My hands lean to reach and grab
Feast in the light of ....

One leg planted
Grows slowly up through one limp arm
The other hold its strength shoots from my ear to the west
Like a arrow from a bow
My left leg kicks up dust till this disappears

Drop down to kiss her earth
On all fours because I am an animal
Sweat is past my drive
I become the evolution of being
In you

This is why I am here. Praising the earth and casting our karma

I am a solider. A firm trunk
The earth’s veins rope my feet
My arms are lifted to the sky
My fingers dabble in the air

I mirror my hand in front of my face
Bent down into your table top
Curl my arms forward from the weight on top of me
My hands run to my other half for support

Kiss her earth
My skin turns green in envy
I’m a snake on my belly
The tips of my fingers are in heaven
Toes lift my legs up
My back now crescent
God I have missed this

All this
And the only thing in common is
two bombs away from vomiting my pain.   
02:42am 21/08/2005
  In my dark, a lady tricked fools gold –
spitting out diamond teeth and stepping on silver spoons.
my desert
A single flower grows and a drop of my sweat mixed with tears nourish the land.
My hands clench on to rocks, trying to find which is real. Blind.
You are a fool.
Meditate on the humming of the land.
A faint cry, a sigh and relief.
The pain of vast possibility, the lack of predictability dry back up into sand

I look out into nothingness. positioned by the pain of an empty slot.
And in my chances of changing it, I find another piece of fools gold
Precious in its own way, fools others into believing you have something all shiny.
That our value is in that not of ourselves.
We kept each other in our back pockets, pulling each other out to prove we are loved.
I am loved either way.
The pain I endured was mere entertainment because I never had it. I would have sold you anyways.
To the next unsuspecting fool who likes shiny things to place in their back pocket.
My house is not empty, but I always knew my space would be alone. A journey not to be shared, except for with my true love. I pulled you out to prove that I could love anyone but her. I did, and I am done. Still hurts being tossed back into the pile with all the other. Doesn’t it? To scavenge for yet another precious stone. I do not wish to be put on your necklace of lovers, a display of your fetish.
A Stripped pillow. My ancestors will come sweep her away as I prepare for my lover. In a tent a prayer is given.